Seeing Things Through Their Eyes...

Being a stay at home mom, I am afforded many opportunities to watch my children. One of the biggest gifts in my life has been the ability to catch a glimpse every now and again, into the way my children perceive the life around them. It isn't easy. Very seldom will they come right out and tell you how what they're thinking might be different than what you think they're thinking. But if you're watching closely and listening to both what they say and what they don't say, you can kind of grasp a sense of how things come together for them.

I am fortunate enough to have a daughter who is very expressive and articulate. She often lets me know what she's thinking, feeling, wishing for, liking, not liking, etc. She enjoys talking and she's very good at expressing herself. But I also have a daughter who's more quiet, who isn't good at expressing her thoughts and feelings, and typically shuts down when the going gets tough. I often say that my Layla teaches me so much about being a better mother and in the instance, she teaches me how to watch and listen so I can better understand where she's coming from.

This tool, this ability to understand things from their point of view, has helped me tremendously in becoming a better, more compassionate mommy. It's because of this ability that I'm able to re-act less and manage more positively and more appropriately. When things start to get hairy at bedtime {which they often do}, I'm better able to resolve situations quickly without dwelling on some sort of lesson that would just be lost. I also know when are the good times to hold my ground and push the bigger issue rather than cave on something trivial. This tool also helps me to teach and plan activities for my children, knowing better how they learn and what kinds of things make sense to them. I'd like to think that it helps me acclimate them to the world, knowing when to explain things to them and knowing when to step back and let them experience it with fresh eyes.

My challenge, and what I need to work on constantly, is "listening" when the "voices" are quieter. I need to learn to be present in the off moments as well as the on. For example, the other night at dinner there was some sort of mishap. I yelled spoke to Rayne about the undesirable behavior, finished dinner, and moved on. In my eyes, the incident was behind us. However, it wasn't too long after I had begun something else that she came over to me with this note...

Holy moly...tears! Then me feeling really. bad. I had moved on, not giving a second thought to how she was still feeling about the incident. I wasn't "listening". Because if I was, I probably would've seen her sad face or noticed her uncharacteristically timid behavior. I would have noticed her looking at me just waiting for a sign that all was okay. I felt bad not only for not resolving the issue completely, but for detaching and not "listening" to what Rayne was saying afterwards.

Similarly, in the weeks prior to her birthday, Layla was off...not herself: not sleeping well, quiet, easily upset. The day after her birthday, she slept like a dream and literally came back to life. She was cheerful and animated and happy. I hadn't seen that side of Layla in quite some time and I had missed her. In the days since, she's been much the same: the happy little girl I've always known her to be. It occurred to me that perhaps she had been anxious about her birthday. As a young child who quite possible doesn't remember her previous birthday, she may not have known what turning four might entail. Would she be different? Would she feel different? Would being four mean that all of a sudden life as she knew it would be different? For my Layla who doesn't like surprises and doesn't do well with change, an impending birthday and the accompanying uncertainties about such a day could have sent her into full panic mode. Now that it's all behind us, it seems so clear. I wish that I would have "heard" her anxiety about her birthday and given her more reassurance that birthdays were all good...with very little actual change.

As a full time mom, I'm constantly striving to be better at my job. My kids are my greatest source of guidance and information. They are continually telling me how to be better at being their mom....I just need to "listen".