Friday, September 11, 2009

Aaah...Motherhood {and the post I didn't write}...

The other day was one of those days where every time I tried to accomplish anything {I mean ANYTHING...going to the bathroom included} I was met with an insane amount of resistance. One of those days where I spent two thirds of the day yelling at the kids and one third of the day feeling guilty about being the WORLD'S WORST MOTHER. The kind of day where I just want to go to bed and rush along the fresh start of a new day. I'd like to tell you that I gracefully acknowledged my situation, took some deep breaths, gave myself a time out, and finished out the day in a mature fashion. However, I did none {as in not one} of those things.

The first thing I did was tell the kids that I had quit. That all further issues that day would have to be directed towards their father who would be home in an hour. Then I began my "I give up on having any sort of ease in my life, I will do everything myself, I will labor on endlessly" pity party and went to start what {I determined} needed to be a great home cooked feast that would have made June Cleaver proud. I then proceeded to curse out my {still absent and mostly innocent} husband for leaving all but the correct amount of rice needed for said dinner in the box and therefore thwarting my every attempt to be a good mother. All this was accomplished with a teething baby in my arms who {bless her heart} thought her crazy mama was rather hilarious.

I'd like to tell you that after eating a perfectly fine {albeit not grand} dinner and handing off the baby that I simmered down, re-gained my composure, read the girls a book, and enjoyed a quiet evening with my husband. But I did none {as in not one} of those things. I fleeted to my workspace to do chip away at the mound of to-dos for Saturday's craft show. I worked angerly and poorly and got almost nothing accomplished as a result. So...I took to my blog. Thinking to myself that this was the sort of messiness that needed to come out; that people needed to see. I wrote about the frustrating {near impossibility} of having three kids, a business, and any sort of life of my own. I typed away, telling myself that women all over would read my post and feel less alone in those really hard, really dark moments.

But the more I re-read the post I was writing, the more I just sounded angry, resentful, and ungrateful for all the blessings in my life. Then there was this tiny, yet very mighty, voice inside of me that said "yes, all this is true...but I still choose THIS!" I realized that, bad day or not, I would not change one thing about my life. Not one.

And so I spent my last few free moments of the evening getting a shower. I kissed my little ones and Maya and I went to rush along the fresh start of a new day.


andi September 11, 2009 at 11:56 PM  

Thanks so much for this post. I needed something like this to remind me of my blessing too. Things have been so chaotic lately, and I've also been feeling like the Worst Mother Ever. It's so easy to let the day go by, and not realize all the beautiful things in front of you. I think I'll go do some yoga, have some nice warm tea and go to bed. Take care of yourself. You're doing great!


Jamie September 12, 2009 at 10:14 AM  

Here's hoping tomorrow is an easier day.

Kathleen September 14, 2009 at 1:37 PM  

It all comes down to balance, doesn't it? Balancing their needs and yours, balancing motherhood and self, and balancing venting and sharing. We need to do both, for sure, but in the end the sharing is more powerful - because this is exactly what we want to be doing, and even on the very worst days we wouldn't trade it for the world, and our little ones most definitely wouldn't trade us.

Amy December 6, 2009 at 7:02 PM  

I LOVE this post and might just print it out and hang it on my wall. : ) And last week there was a day that I am quite SURE you would have had to hand over your Worst Mother crown to me. Thank you so much for sharing!

Anonymous March 14, 2010 at 11:20 PM  

What quite good topic