Tuesday, July 21, 2009

In Search of Respite...

I've re-read my post from Sunday a few times since posting it and, although I recognize it as my 'voice', it's not typically the voice I use in this space. It's the voice I use when I'm depleted. When there's nothing left to use to muster a good face and sunny disposition. A voice that is not bad or good, just not the voice most people outside of my immediate family hear. Just me: raw, basic, almost unemotional. So, for two days, I kept trying to edit the post to sound less raw...thinking that it sounded too harsh for this space that I choose to keep a bit lighter. It really wasn't until today that I realized that I cannot 'edit' away the rough spots that I'm feeling {and expressing}. They are part of the process of life.
Last week's decisions brought on deep, hard, gut-wrenching, soul searching. Soul searching that accompanies any moment that you're questioning what you previously held as truth. Soul searching that has you wrapping your head around new realities. What follows in the wake is this: a period of raw, open, uncomfortableness. Then to come is healing, repairing, and {hopefully} a brightness, an awareness, a satisfaction in the journey that has brought you to your most authentic life. Omitting {or glossing over} any part of this process would leave the end less glorious, the lessons only partially learned, and the soul only somewhat whole.
So where I was on Sunday {and am just beginning to emerge from} is the middle place. The place where things are a little muddy, a little less sunny and and not quite as full. But, yet, still good. So, while I will try to keep this space {and my world in general} full of more positivity and wholesomeness, I need to remember to see the beauty of the process that gets me there...and all its parts...without editing them away.


Kathleen July 23, 2009 at 9:21 AM  

I understand the temptation to smooth things over and present a neat and tidy inner life... it's so hard to make room for our own complications when we are trying to run the good ship family, but we're not doing anyone any favors by being dishonest. Hooray for embracing the middle place and showing your girls (and yourself) that the tough, draining, difficult parts of life are life too.

Jeanneoli July 23, 2009 at 10:13 AM  

It is always better to be real!