Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Owning Your Happiness...

Today started out like most others. I was battling some inner issues which threatened my overall happiness, but I felt good, I felt positive, and I was using my energies to overcome other, more dismal, feelings. I was thinking about Maya and how she's really one year old and becoming more of a little girl and less of a baby every day. I was thinking about the soap shop and how, although I'm certain I've made the right decision, how the reality of letting go is tough. But there are always issues, right? There are always feelings that we're putting aside to live our life to the fullest. In this sense, we chose to create our own happiness. So I was choosing happiness in spite of my feelings, even putting in my contacts and wearing a skirt and some makeup.

Anyway, we had a busy morning. Maya had an early Dr.'s appt. and Rayne wanted to be driven to school which meant that I had to eat breakfast and feed and clothe all the girls before 8:15am...not impossible, but a bit more of a challenge than our usual mornings. I was leaving the house a bit late, knowing that I had to get Rayne to school and then to the Dr. and I had no time to lose. I was cruising along the back country roads to Rayne's school, probably a bit faster than I should have been...but there is very little traffic on those roads. As I slowed, then glided through a stop sign, my stomach turned inside out to see a police car pulling up to the same intersection on my right. Ouch. I knew he totally had me if he wanted me. I drove the exact speed limit for nearly two miles, thinking that out of the goodness of his heart, he let the whole stop sign thing slide. But then the lights came on. Apparently, my registration had expired. In June. Of last year. BIG OUCH!


You see, having never in my whole life gotten any sort of traffic citation, I received my very first about six months ago...excessive speed, I believe was the term. It got me a few points on my driver's license at which point I was informed that more points would result in the loss of my license. So, the whole 25 minutes that I'm sitting there, with my three kids in the car, giving up hope of making it anywhere on time, wondering how in the world I could have been so irresponsible to have let my registration expire, and waiting for the trooper to determine my fate, I kept thinking "oh my goodness, how am I going to take care of my kids and do what I need to do without a license? How will Rayne get home  from the bus stop? How will I get groceries? How will I get away when I feel like I'm going crazy?"

Out of the goodness of this man's heart, he came back with a slightly costly citation for the expired registration and a "verbal warning" for the stop sign...no points. I thanked him, knowing he had done me an enormous favor and most likely knew it. I drove away feeling horrible. Feeling stupid, and careless, and irresponsible. I felt crushed and deflated. I felt so small and silly, with my skirt and my makeup.


Later, once I had gotten home, I realized that I had allowed the registration to expire on our current car while renewing it on a car that we had sold. So the registration ordeal turned out to be a simple mistake, rather than an irresponsible oversight. And I tried to feel better about things...but I didn't. And then I found this, and then this, and it occurred to me that for as much as I fought my own inner demons to choose and create my own happiness, I had offered it up without a fight to the first something or other that threatened to take it. I neglected to recall all the bills I do pay on time, all the great things I do for my kids {like driving Rayne to school when she doesn't feel like riding the bus}, all the deadlines I meet and responsibilities I tackle, all my accomplishments. I gave myself no credit for all the good I am and all the good I do because of one small mistake.

So, I did what any artist would do...I decided right there and then to turn that blemish into a beauty mark...I took that citation and photographed it as I would any treasure. I started forming this post in my head thinking of all the ways and moments and instances where I've given up my happiness so easily, even though I had fought so hard to get it. And in that moment, I felt what it means to own my happiness. And by photographing that citation, I took away it's power to steal my happiness. Because my happiness is mine and mine alone...and it's going to take something much, MUCH bigger to get me to give it up!

18 comments:

Corinne March 10, 2010 at 8:56 PM  

I love the direction you took with this, your attitude about it all. And I love that you took a photo of the citation!

barbara March 10, 2010 at 9:08 PM  

God love ya :)

Suzy March 10, 2010 at 9:17 PM  

I followed your pic on Flickr here (I'm Crittrs :0) We were feeling very similar things today--I rarely feel myself sinking, but this was one of those days, and I realized, I don't HAVE to accept this mood--I can call friends, I can plan fun outings, I can PLAY--owning our own happiness is priceless. I love the photo, and the story behind it :0)

t does wool March 10, 2010 at 9:19 PM  

oh...;))

Kim Klassen March 10, 2010 at 9:50 PM  

wonderful post... seriously love the way you made something not sooo positive, not sooo pretty... into ART...
bravo... my friend... BRAVO.. :)

♥ kim
p.s.
just adore all the images in this post, actually EVERY post... awesome...

Beth Simmons March 10, 2010 at 10:12 PM  

Uh oh:( I'm so sorry about the citation but I sure have enjoyed reading about how you have worked it out. You have a great way with words. I have gotten a couple of tickets, and it shakes me up so bad I can't even sign my name! And just look at this lovely image you made out of that paper:)

Kris's Kaptured Moments March 11, 2010 at 12:12 AM  

You poor thing..I hate getting a ticket. I got two in one week after not getting one for 20 years. Speeding and expired inspection. I am sorry to say my registration expired at the end of Feb. UGH, now that is irresponsible.

I hope you have a great evening.
:)

Johnna Riddell March 11, 2010 at 8:30 AM  

you
are
incredible.

you amaze me everyday, and I am so proud of you for taking a moment to "hug" yourself and KNOW that you are as wonderful as I do.

I know what you mean, make one mistake and you start thinking of anything in your life you have ever done wrong, how you are so unworthy of all the goodness in your life ... but it is that second guessing that means you are a humble, GREAT person...

I love your photos in this post, what a wonderful way to honor that moment of realization.

xox

casual friday every day March 11, 2010 at 8:44 AM  

Picture of the citation: priceless!

Nell

Jamie March 11, 2010 at 8:47 AM  

What a great example you are to your girls!

Charlotte March 11, 2010 at 9:57 AM  

That photograph is inspired! I want to do it with all the things in my day that make my smile fade - now just to work out how to get a ribbon round an entire kitchen full of dishes!

Charlotte xx
http://housewife-chic.blogspot.com

SK March 11, 2010 at 1:21 PM  

I totally understand the 'feeling small and silly' part. How unncessarily do we do that to ourselves ! And I'm proud of you for changing your thoughts!

Suki March 11, 2010 at 3:20 PM  

You are one blessed girl to come back to your happiness again. I know how hard it is.
Give yourself more credit, because you do a lot of things. And a load of them just right.

PhotoPuddle March 11, 2010 at 4:26 PM  

What a beautiful traffic citation!

Nicole March 12, 2010 at 9:40 AM  

you have such a good outlook! God bless you! :)

Kathleen March 12, 2010 at 10:16 AM  

Oh Maegan, I know that feeling well. And it's so easy to criticize that feeling - is my self-worth so tenuous that this one little thing derails me completely? - but really. Own it. Love it. Way to go!

Camilla~ Bloom March 12, 2010 at 11:23 AM  

This brought tears to my eyes...so lovley Maegan that you made it into a beauty mark. Wow, such wise and powerful words.
I was really feeling stressed when you were writing about your daughter at the bus stop, groceries...as a mom I can so relate to this, gosh.
2 weeks ago I sent a check to renew the liscence on the car that we sold....instead of the one we have...ahem, so don't feel bad.

janine March 12, 2010 at 6:30 PM  

I think that ribbon around your traffic citation says it all!