What I Learned From Birds...

A couple of months ago, a robin decided to build her nest in our garage. More specifically, this robin diligently created her nest in the frame of my bicycle which was hanging upside down from our rafters. At first, the bird would dart out as soon as we entered the garage. But the longer she stayed, the more comfortable she became having us around.

In the beginning, I thought how wonderfully exciting this would be; very National Geographic like and so educational for the children. When we figured she had laid her eggs and we could no longer close our garage doors...ever...I had some misgivings. But that's an entirely different post.

So, this robin sat on her eggs for a few weeks and all I kept thinking about was how those newborn baby birds were going to get out of the garage. I mean, flying in and of itself was a challenge without the added obstacles of miscelaneous rafters, beams, doors, windows, etc. I feared greatly that they would impail themselves on something in their early days and we'd come home to a sweet dead baby bird on our garage floor.

I really just had no idea how birds learned to fly. Does their mama carry them somehow and then drop them and then bump them back up if they start to fall? You know, like does she proverbially "hold their hand" while they take the first leap? Do they all go together? What if they're too scared and they never leave the nest? I mean, my goodness, there they'd be...days old, peeking out over the sides of their nest, curious about the world outside our garage...and OH MY GOODNESSS...there'd be a big 'ole drop onto a hard looking floor not to mention the menacing tractor staring back up at them. And then they'd look out trying to form a plan and there are all these obstacles and beams and doors and things in their way. I really did just fear for them...and wonder!

But it wasn't long until the eggs hatched and we saw the robin sitting higher in her nest and leaving a bit more frequently. {well, with three new little mouths to feed I guess she was a little busy} I thought for sure it would be a while before those birds needed to worry about flying. We checked in on them from time to time and found that they were growing much more quickly than I had anticipated. Then, all of a sudden one day, we walked out into the garage and there was the bird, out of the nest, over by the window, trying to figure out how to get out. I, being the Nervous Nelly that I am, thought for sure we needed to do something about this. But my calm as anything husband assured me that the baby bird would be fine. The next day, we went out to find that not only had the bird found it's way out, but it's siblings had also left the nest and were finding their way out as well. Just like that.

Now, they had their troubles. Many times I heard a bird stuck up in the rafters or saw one trying to get out through a closed window. But eventually, they all made it out. And what occurred to me was that none of us know what we're doing or how to do until we just do it. And I thought about all the times in my life when I've had to fly without knowing how. Like when I graduated from college with no clue where to go next. Or when I brought my fist born home from the hospital surprised to find that they simply allow you to just walk right out the door with them without proper demos or a peek at the owner's manual. And when I launched my soap business not knowing either how to actually make soap or how to run a business. Everyday there are a multitude of moments where I think to myself "but I don't know how" and it seems so scary to just leap out of my nest where everything is familiar and dependable. But, as the robins showed me, you just have to do it and figure it out as you go.

And I'm pretty sure that if you ask anyone, they'll tell you that they did not receive the mega how-to manual for their life either. During O Magazine's 10th anniversary celebration, Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love" gave an excellent speech and mentioned how we all think that there are some people who have just been handed all the answers..because it may seem that way. But really that's not the case. We are all struggling trying to be bold and brave. We are all just little baby birds in cozy nests, wanting to spread our wings out into the world. And none of us know how. But the only way to learn is just to leap...to take a chance...to acknowledge that the risk of facing adversity {like a closed window or a wrong turn} is a small price to pay for the chance to soar!

Making Space & Shortcake...

In the days leading up to this weekend, I found myself talking to Rayne a number of times about how we were going to be working very hard to get ready for our yard sale. In discussing why we had to get rid of things, I made a number of mentions to the fact that we needed to make some space. In true five year old fashion, Rayne immediately started dreaming of all the ways that we could fill our new space: with new toys, with items we've had to store in our basement, with a new play area for this or that. She had a hard time comprehending that we needed space just to have space.

But it got me thinking of how many years of my life I spent making room for something else...and not just making room. So much of my life up until now has been about making and getting and being and doing. And I can honestly feel this palpable transition into a period of opening and anticipating and waiting and creating space for opportunity. So I tried to teach Rayne how we needed to make space just to have space...but the concept was completely lost on her youth...as it would have also been lost on mine.

I think that creating physical space is such an important element for clarity and growth. I feel much more relaxed and hopeful without clutter in my living areas. I truly enjoy letting go of possessions that no longer work for me or mean anything to me. And recently, I'm enjoying the same clutter clearing and letting go in my emotional life as well.

A couple of months ago, I finally made the very hard decision to let go of my soap business. It was no longer serving me in the ways that it once did and it was robbing the energy that I wanted to put elsewhere. I held on to it for almost a year like a pair of pre-baby blue jeans just hoping that in another couple of months it would fit me again. But just as having a baby changes the whole shape of your body, life and growth can change the whole shape of your life.

So I let it go. It was the first time in my life that I let something not physical go without having something waiting to replace it. I felt very strongly that my life was too cluttered to see the path that was laid out before me. Almost instantly, I felt an opening so strong and so full that there was not one moment that I regretted my decision. And in the process, life has opened up and taken new directions, and moved me towards bigger and better places...all because I created space.

So we spent the better part of our three day weekend creating space around here...physical space. And although Rayne may not understand the concept of making space for the sake of space, I hope that she feels the benefits of more openness and more flexibility and more possibility. And while she was a bit upset over having to let go of some of her stuff...I think we more than made it up to her with some fresh strawberry shortcake! So while her youth doesn't always provide her with perspective of the bigger picture, it does provide her with delight in the simple things...and that's what she's teaching me.

Owning Your Happiness...

Today started out like most others. I was battling some inner issues which threatened my overall happiness, but I felt good, I felt positive, and I was using my energies to overcome other, more dismal, feelings. I was thinking about Maya and how she's really one year old and becoming more of a little girl and less of a baby every day. I was thinking about the soap shop and how, although I'm certain I've made the right decision, how the reality of letting go is tough. But there are always issues, right? There are always feelings that we're putting aside to live our life to the fullest. In this sense, we chose to create our own happiness. So I was choosing happiness in spite of my feelings, even putting in my contacts and wearing a skirt and some makeup.

Anyway, we had a busy morning. Maya had an early Dr.'s appt. and Rayne wanted to be driven to school which meant that I had to eat breakfast and feed and clothe all the girls before 8:15am...not impossible, but a bit more of a challenge than our usual mornings. I was leaving the house a bit late, knowing that I had to get Rayne to school and then to the Dr. and I had no time to lose. I was cruising along the back country roads to Rayne's school, probably a bit faster than I should have been...but there is very little traffic on those roads. As I slowed, then glided through a stop sign, my stomach turned inside out to see a police car pulling up to the same intersection on my right. Ouch. I knew he totally had me if he wanted me. I drove the exact speed limit for nearly two miles, thinking that out of the goodness of his heart, he let the whole stop sign thing slide. But then the lights came on. Apparently, my registration had expired. In June. Of last year. BIG OUCH!

You see, having never in my whole life gotten any sort of traffic citation, I received my very first about six months ago...excessive speed, I believe was the term. It got me a few points on my driver's license at which point I was informed that more points would result in the loss of my license. So, the whole 25 minutes that I'm sitting there, with my three kids in the car, giving up hope of making it anywhere on time, wondering how in the world I could have been so irresponsible to have let my registration expire, and waiting for the trooper to determine my fate, I kept thinking "oh my goodness, how am I going to take care of my kids and do what I need to do without a license? How will Rayne get home  from the bus stop? How will I get groceries? How will I get away when I feel like I'm going crazy?"

Out of the goodness of this man's heart, he came back with a slightly costly citation for the expired registration and a "verbal warning" for the stop sign...no points. I thanked him, knowing he had done me an enormous favor and most likely knew it. I drove away feeling horrible. Feeling stupid, and careless, and irresponsible. I felt crushed and deflated. I felt so small and silly, with my skirt and my makeup.

Later, once I had gotten home, I realized that I had allowed the registration to expire on our current car while renewing it on a car that we had sold. So the registration ordeal turned out to be a simple mistake, rather than an irresponsible oversight. And I tried to feel better about things...but I didn't. And then I found this, and then this, and it occurred to me that for as much as I fought my own inner demons to choose and create my own happiness, I had offered it up without a fight to the first something or other that threatened to take it. I neglected to recall all the bills I do pay on time, all the great things I do for my kids {like driving Rayne to school when she doesn't feel like riding the bus}, all the deadlines I meet and responsibilities I tackle, all my accomplishments. I gave myself no credit for all the good I am and all the good I do because of one small mistake.

So, I did what any artist would do...I decided right there and then to turn that blemish into a beauty mark...I took that citation and photographed it as I would any treasure. I started forming this post in my head thinking of all the ways and moments and instances where I've given up my happiness so easily, even though I had fought so hard to get it. And in that moment, I felt what it means to own my happiness. And by photographing that citation, I took away it's power to steal my happiness. Because my happiness is mine and mine alone...and it's going to take something much, MUCH bigger to get me to give it up!